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Thanks Mano, makes you wonder how America is rated the best justice system in the world, with statements like these below I would hate to be in court somewhere in Ethiopia:

 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
  
ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes ,  voodoo.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
0AWITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:       Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how  many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a  pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 


 Thanks M, another good one:

For decades pundits have been saying that the New Orleans Saints were so bad at playing football that Hell would freeze over if the Saints would ever win The Super Bowl.
On Sunday, February 7, 2010 the Saints won the Super Bowl.
On that same Sunday Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet of snow and the Government was shut down.
Do you think this indicates the actual location of Hell?

51-ChevyThanks Mano, is this the new 24 Jose Power model:

The United States Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border from Mexico and into points along the U.S. Border. If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police department or the U. S. Border Patrol.

 

 

 


Thanks Paul, everyone's playing this all across the nation and select foreign countries:

1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, prepare your "Bullshit  Bingo" card by drawing a square.
I find that 5" x 5" is a good size;  and dividing it into columns --five across and five down.  That will give you 25 1-inch blocks. 
 2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
·         Restored our reputation
·         Strategic fit 
·         Let me be clear 
·         Make no mistake 
·         Back from the brink 
·         Signs of recovery 
·         Out of the loop 
·         Benchmark 
·         Job creation 
·        Fiscal restraint 
·        Win-win 
·         Affordable health care 
·         Previous Administration 
·         Greed on Wall Street 
·         At the end of the day 
·         Empower (or empowerment) 
·         Touch base 
·         Mindset 
·         Corporate greed 
·         Ballpark 
·         Game plan 
·         Leverage 
·         Inherited as in "I inherited this mess" 
·         Relief for working families
 3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
 4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically,
 or diagonally, stand up and shout  "BULLSHIT!" 
 Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players: 
 "I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won."  --Jack W., Boston 
 "My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically." --David D., Florida 
 "What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win." --Bill R., New York City 
 "The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." --Ben G., Denver 
 "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the third time in two hours."-- Harry A, Chantilly 
 "This is the most fun I have ever had with my pants up!"--Robert H. Portland

Thanks Bruiser:

When you're down in the dumps and think you have real problems, just remember:
SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A POOR FELLOW NAMED: MR. PELOSI

Thanks Paul, another good one:

Demographics of American Newspapers
      
    1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
     
    2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
    
     3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
    
     4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
    
     5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave  Southern California to do it.
    
     6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
    
     7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
    
     8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
    
     9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
    
     10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country, or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
    
     11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
    
     12. The Minneapolis Star Tribune is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

 

 

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