Anthony, thanks,,, but NO THANKS, this is so funny it hurts!
Vasectomy Under the ObamaCare Plan
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and
that word
is 'UP.'
It is listed in the
dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP,
meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in
the morning, why
do we
wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why
do
we speak UP,
and why are the
officers UP for
election and
why is it UP to
the secretary to
write UP a report?
We call UP our
friends,
brighten UP a
room, polish UP the
silver, warm UP the
leftovers and
clean UP the
kitchen. We
lock UP the
house and fix UP the
old car.
At other times this little word has real special
meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets,
work UP an
appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is
confusing: A drain must be opened UP because
it is stopped UP.
We open UP a
store in the morning but we close it UP at
night. We
seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look UP the
word UP in
the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost
1/4 of the page and can add UP to
about thirty definitions
If you are UP to
it, you might try building UP a
list of the many ways UP is
used.
It will take UP a
lot of your time, but
if you don't give UP,
you may wind UP with
a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP .
When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it
soaks UP the earth.
When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One
could go on & on, but I'll wrap
it UP,
for now ........my time is UP !
ANGRY CROWD GATHERS TO PROTEST GLOBAL WARMING!
From Paul:
Gonorrhea Lectim
This is the most serious risk to our nations health since the 1918 flu epidemic.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is
contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is
called Gonorrhea Lectim..And pronounced "gonna re-elect ‘em."
Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having been screwed for the
past two years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how
this destructive disease has become since it is easily cured....by voting
out all incumbents!.....AMEN!
I'M SENDING YOU SOME SPRING!!!!!
http://www.procreo.jp/labo/flower_garden.swfDID YOU KNOW?
A. Did you know that the
word "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?
B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st
letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal
immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you
free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English
speaking miscreants and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing,
bomb-making, goat-loving, camel jockey terrorists with you"?
Now how weird is that ???
From Paul:
Just heard that the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the
From Cousin Ron:
We took out a Cadillac Escalade for a test drive, just
to drive that sucker before they become extinct... The
salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all
it's
wonderful options. The seats were of particular
interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air
to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your
butt in the summer heat.
I
stated the car must be a Republican car. He asked why I
thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if
it were a Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up
your ass year-round.
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little
over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified
flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto
a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico
. This is a well known incident that many say has long
been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal
agencies and organizations..
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of
April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the
following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and
jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot
of things for you. It did for me.
From Mariann:
I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan!
I
asked him how it was going and if he was into anymore movies.
He told me that he could no longer make any more movies as he had severe arthritis in both shoulders and could no longer swing from vine to tree.
I asked how
Jane was doing, he told me she was in bad shape, in a nursing
home, has Alzheimer's and no longer
recognizes anyone, how sad.
I asked about Boy,
and he told me that Boy had gone to the big city, got hooked up with bad women,
drugs, alcohol, and the only time he heard from him was if he was in trouble or
needed something.
I asked about
Cheeta, he beamed and said she was doing good, had married a Lawyer and now
lived in the White House !!!
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
Sent
From Rita:
A
frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name
is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank
manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager
and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as
collateral.'
She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(Folks, your going to love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling
Stone.'
(You're
singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never
take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
In the washroom in the airport I saw this handwritten sign
Posted over one of those hot air hand dryers:
"Please push button and listen for aShort message from the President!"
Ah, there's nothing like "hot air" and the
smell of fresh crap to give you that
True Presdential presence!!!!
Thanks
Anthony:
DOCTORS & THE UNEMPLOYED
An Israeli doctor says,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put
it in another, and have him looking for work
in six weeks."
A German doctor says,
"That is nothing; we can take a lung out
of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says. "In
my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both
looking for work
in two weeks."
An ILLINOIS doctor, says.
"You guys are way behind. We
recently took a man with no
brains out of ILLINOIS , put
him in the White House and
within SIX MONTHS, half
the COUNTRY is looking for work."
Thanks M:
ROBOT BARTENDER
A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender.. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the
best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration
and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot
bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again,
the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar,
Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one
more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will
you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great
martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy you
voted for Obama?"
And THAT about sums it up....
